We’ve all experienced being lectured to or even lecturing ourselves with the word ‘should’

“I really should eat more veg”

“I should join the gym”

“I should call [person] back”

“I should revise for my exam”

“I should...”

These statements act like invisible rules to follow but often don’t reflect what we actually want to do. Instead ‘should’ sounds like what someone else expects us to do.

Working in the health and wellbeing space, I’m seeing increasing amounts of health content online that presents itself as expert advice telling us what we should do. But, it doesn’t sit well with me so I wanted to write this piece – firstly to jot down my thoughts and explore why, and also to share why I think we can be more judicious and kind to ourselves while digesting all this incoming information.

Why ‘Should’ Statements and Comments Are Unhelpful

1. They trigger resistance

Think about a time when someone told you that you should do something. Often we find an internal resistance rising up. If the same advice had been delivered a different way, we might have been more open to it.

“But now you’ve said it that way, even though I know it might be good for me, I don’t want to do it” – our teenage brain kicks in.

By reframing the ‘should’ into a ‘want’, it sounds more like a choice we are making rather than an order or expectation we are simply following because someone said so.

2. They come with judgment

‘Should’ statements are laced with a touch of judgment or expectation.

Most of us have been in that situation when some relative or even a total stranger feels the need to offer you career advice as you stand in the grocery aisle in Sainsbury’s:

“You should work for [insert company name here]” – even when they have no clue about your industry, their tone implies that they know best.

This judgment, whether from an external source or directed to ourselves, also isn’t accepting of reality as it is now. It constantly takes us out of the present moment to another scenario that we consider more ideal. This might be helpful as a visualisation practice, but if it’s not that and just a reminder of what you don’t have, then it’s not very useful.

3. They don’t support real motivation

We can feel like we’re being told off. Even if the end reward is clear, external pressure can block real motivation. Because it’s not intrinsically motivating, we’re less likely to want to do it.

This is where working out our why is important and then building our habits backwards. If we can link our behaviours and actions with our core values and the things that are important to us (spending time with family, being able to go outdoors independently, freedom etc.) we’re more likely to stick with them.

4. They can make us feel disempowered

In a time where our feeds are saturated with online experts, reading or hearing the word ‘should’ can give the impression that we don’t know enough to make decisions independently for ourselves.

This constant influx can leave us feeling that we can’t trust ourselves and need to seek information from outside. This can distance us from our own inner knowledge, intuition, and ability to research and find out for ourselves.

While mainstream healthcare services are slowly trying to move away from the paternalistic “Doctor knows best” approach, social media keeps it alive with short and snappy content with lines such as:

“5 foods all women should eat”

“Blood tests you should have before 40”

“3 mobility exercises you should do everyday!”

The problem with phrases like this is that we don’t know how they will land with people. And it might end up in someone purchasing a so-called “Health MOT” or “New Year Check-up” on Groupon when it’s not appropriate for them. “Should” is a marketing tool – suggesting that something is necessary or adviseable for success, and we’re falling for it.

5. They assume universal application

When we hear ‘should’ statements, they’re often not considering individual differences and nuances. The one-size-fits-all approach can be unhelpful, and in some cases, harmful.

Humility and curiosity remind us that we have no idea what the person in front of us has seen, experienced or been through. How can we possibly be an expert on their life to tell them what they ‘should’ do?

How we can reframe ‘should’

I’m not one of those people living on another planet that doesn’t realise that some things need to get done on a day-to-day basis for everyday life to happen as smoothly as possible – bills, childcare, work and so on. Adult responsibilities are real.

But, how we choose to talk to ourselves and others about the activities that we believe would support us is key here. ‘Should’ carries a tinge of shame and resistance. Replacing it with the word ‘want’ or highlighting the benefit of actions changes the entire tone.

Examples of reframing:

“I should go to bed earlier”

Try – “I want to go to bed earlier so that I feel better in the morning and less grouchy”

“I really should move more”

Try – “When I move or exercise, I feel so much more energetic and in a better mood – I’ll set aside some time for this more regularly”

“I should stop eating/drinking [insert item here]”

Try – “I don’t feel too good after eating [food] and get bloated. I will choose something else”

“I should wake up earlier”

Try – “When I wake up late, I feel rushed and tense. I don’t like that feeling in my chest and mind while I run around frantically. I will wake up earlier to have a calmer morning”

Navigating Information Overload

We’re all human. Although we’ve come a very long way in terms of technology and lifestyle, we are still primitive in how we process our thoughts and feelings. Constant exposure to advice and “expert” opinions (mainstream medicine, functional or holistic and natural) can leave us feeling inadequate or overwhelmed.

Surrounded by information overload, sensationalised headlines, and a never-ending list of things we’re told we need to do by a set age, it helps to pause and question what we’re consuming.

When you feel pressured by advice, it might be helpful to ask yourself:

Who is sharing or delivering this information?
What might the intent be?
Is it relevant to me?
Where can I look for further information on this topic?

A final note

I’ll be completely transparent here – I am no psychology expert or counsellor. I am just a keen observer of the world we live in, with a degree in Psychology, my experiences as a community nurse as well as my personal life life-ing.

These are simply observations, reflections and some suggestions that you might find helpful in a world full of “shoulds” because I think we’re all always learning – together, through conversation and connection.

Why I don’t Like the Word ‘Should’